You Just Can't Trust A Theist On Christmas Eve

Hello Loyal Minions!!

I have a Christmas story for you:

First, Backstory: I do Hip Hop dancing with a couple of other Yummy Mummy’s on Friday nights. Its not serious ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ stuff, more having fun and getting exercise and adult social interaction stuff. But it’s at a real dance school and with a real (and very talented) dance teacher and everything. We even performed in the concert!

(picture has been blurred to protect the innocent)

And I got a trophy!

Anyways, my very beautiful, energetic, young, talented dance teacher, Nicole (centre) invited me on FB to a dance concert. This is the event page:

And I checked attending. (Nicole was very excited by this) I checked attending because I thought it was a dance concert. This is important later.

Fast forward the December 24th and I arrive at what my computer tells me is “Southern Cross Dance” 15 mins early and wait out the front with the others. At this point I’m feeling a teensy bit underdressed as everyone else seems to be wearing what I mockingly call inside my head ‘their Sunday best’. Never mind, the kids are dressed up AND they both have their hair brushed.

The time comes and the doors open and everyone files in and I think to myself “Huh, they couldn’t have arranged this more like church pews if they tried.” So we find some seats and I pick up a little flyer of the chair and sit down. I get the kids with their freshly brushed hair organised with snacks and rules (and consequences for breaking those rules) and I turn my attention to the little flyer (people are still finding/saving seats and the show hasn’t started).

No. No. No. Noooooooooo!!!! I have been tricked into coming to church on Christmas Eve! And I tell a couple of carefully selected friends this by sms immediately. Their responses varied from the very supportive "Bahahahahahaha!" to the very sober "I hope you've been drinking, you're going to need it".

I thought about leaving right thre and then but the kids were excited to be out of the house for one, and to watch Nicole dance. I needed a strategy if I was going to get through this. I chose "Welcome to the comedy show some people call Bible Stories".

Stage One. The All-American (stereotypical televagilist) PastorandHisWife Welcome (and the passing of the GiveUsYourMoney plate.

Stage Two (sorry this is in point form, I'm not a writer) SEVERELY watered down Bible stories. They tried to do a cool, hip "Tonight Show" modern take on the stories of Jesus life. Complete with interviewing the Holiday Inn manageress and Silus' Fish & Chips (loaves and fishes) story. The BEST part was Jesus' carpenter friend, complete with tortured kiwi accent and a neverending supply of bad puns.

So during the 'ad' breaks of this show, the 'stage directors' did some audience warm-up acts to involve the crowd. There was the usual "So, anyone from out of town?" stuff and, a game called "Finish that Donkey Line". The game involved playing the first part of a line from Donkey (of Shrek fame) and an audience member to answer/finish the line for a prize. Excuse me while I digress from my Horror story for a minute - but I won! I have seen that movie 1723 times. It was about to pay. Line 1, I knew - I waved my arm frantically in the air, but alas, I was not chosen. Line number 2, I knew, MORE frantic waving this time, even chair loosening, no go. The third line, well, 1723 viewings has to teach you something, I knew that too. The first part of the line was "...red flower, blue thorns, red flower, blue thorns, this would be so much easier...". You better believe I was waving like a madwoman. So much so, that the whole row behind me yelled out "over here!" and I WAS CHOSEN. If you don't know (shame on you), the rest of the line is "..if I wasn't colour blind!" (I even said it with my best Eddie Murphy as Donkey accent). My prize? NOT a jesus DVD. surprisingly. But a melted chocolate bar! Woo-hoo! (Steady on, don't enjoy yourself too much, It's all part of their evil plan, to lure you in with chocolate)

Back to horror story. At this stage Jesus has been born and learn to make things out of wood, yet to perform any 'Miracles'. Miss 6 turns to me and asksme "Is any of this real?" to which I answer "NO!" just a little too oudly judging by the looks I'm getting from our neighbours. Oops.

Miss 5 is bored. She REALLY wants to go home (she has her fingers stuck in her ears). Miss 6 REALLY wants to stay and see Nicole dance. We negotiate to 10 more minutes. In that ten looooonnnngggg minutes, Jesus starts performing miracles and Silus shares his Fush un Chups and Burger Rings? with thousands. Next 'ad' break, we make a run for it.

Busted. We try to duck out of the same gap in the curtains that Nicole happens to be watching from. Try to poitely explin the kids are tired (that old chestnut) and GET OUT!

But she's a theist and it's xmas eve. So she (God love her) introduces me to everyone who walks past and BEGS me to stay and watch. Kids are happy sharing some darling young christian girl's colouring book by now. So we chat. The following are some snippets.

Nicole "Carmen, this is the pastors wife!"

Me"Hi - You're too youg to be anyone's wife!" (she doesn't look a day over 16 folks)

Pastors Wife "Thanks!"(pastors wife rushes small child to the toilet)

Me (to Nicole) "God obviously blesses all his people with BEAUTY" (important sidenote here- I have noticed "christians" dont seem to "get" sarcasm)

Nicole (cuddling my daughter- I forget which one) "God makes all his children beautiful!"

Me (eye roll)

**********

Nicole "So what was it that made you stop believing?"

(if eye rolling burnt calories i'd be a slim woman!)

Me: "I never believed, so I never stopped believing"

Nicole "Which part?"

Me "All of It."

Nicole " What like, that he performs miracles or he rose from the dead or..."

Me "That "He" existed"

Nicole "Have you ever read the Bible?"

Me "Yes."

Nicole "Really? Which version? Did you read the Old Testament or the New Testament"

Me "Both. But that's neither here nor there. This is the awkward part of the conversation where the look on your face shows me you are thinking 'But how can anyone who has read the Bible NOT believe?' and I tell you I think reading the Bible is the best case for Atheism I've ever read.

Nicole "Er, ok...but..."

Me "Please Nicole, can we not have this conversation? I like you."

***********

and so on...

THEN, Nicole hd to go backstage to get ready to perform and I was wandering around and what do I notice??(at this point I am being stared into the ground by a couple of full lngth floral dress wering, small child quietening believers. They must have heard some of our convo)

Anyway, what do I notice? A wall. A wall with a few pieces of paper pinned to it. Ans in giant words painted above it "You asked....God answered". No way.

So I mosey on over in typical heathen-like fashion and have a little read. This is where the believers pin their proof, their evidence of God's everyday miracle performances. So I read, pretty standard stuff, I had chronic rthritis for 50+ years and then someone prayed and hllelujah- healed! Some even had the words 'Verified by a specialist' on them. They weren't all mega-miracles, mind. One was a young girl who hurt her shoulder at netball on Saturday and was better (after praying, of course) on Sunday. Can you say, natural healing?

One I feel deserves particular mention was of a girl who (tragically) broke the screen on her iPhone (why me, God!). She prayed for god to fix it but, alas, the next morning the screen was still broken. 3 days later however, HER PARENTS bought her a newer model, "even better" phone! "Thankyou God" she said! One presumes her parents know she gave god the credit and they perpetuate the myth by letting her believe it. An iPhone? Seriously? God would rather get you a new iPhone than feed a starving child?

And that's about it. We survived, and we went home. Atheism more intact than ever.